The Joy of Beets

In our never ending quest to expand out diet, my wife and I decided to try a recipe involving beets. My wife was skeptical at first and said that if I wanted it, I’d have to make it. So I bought the beets and the other necessary ingredients and prepared to make the “beet salad.”

The cook book I followed warned about the perils of beet pigmentation. They were right. They were very, very right. Luckily I wrapped our wooden cutting board in a few layers of plastic wrap. Even then, the knife managed to slice through. The red juice dyed our cutting board, which is actually a pull out part of the counter. As such, it qualifies as “damaging the property” as part of the rental agreement. But we have about half a year left on this lease, so I’m sure that the pigment will fade in time. Plus, as my wife pointed out, we can always just flip the board over like the last tennants. I checked and, sure enough, the bottom was cut and sliced all to hell. Even my hands were stained red. This morning, they were still red. As my wife continues to say, “I’ve been caught red-handed.”

Now, the recipe itself wasn’t all that bad, but it wasn’t all that good either. It involved balsalmic vinegar (had to use apple cider vinegar), fresh dill (had to use dill seeds, the juice from half a lemon (I just squirted some juice in), salt (check), sugar (check), and three ounces of goat cheese. Now, if you’ve read any previous posts, you’ll know this last ingredient is problematic, since my wife is a vegan. I skipped the cheese. Oh, and the final ingredient was chopped shallots. These we had, but no where in the recipe did it say to cook the shallots. The dish was pungent to say the least.

We ate early in the evening and suffered late into the night. In my humble opinion, onions and anything that look like onions should be COOKED or at least have a warning label attatched to the recipe. We were willing to give a try once, but not again. My stomach revolted all night, and when I finally passed the mess in the morning I was struck again by how powerful the pigment was. I now know the reason it felt like my guts were being murder was becasue they were being murdered.

I know that I could go into a lot of jokes about this must be what it feels like to be a woman, but I won’t go there. I’m too relieved to go there. I’d rather just bask in the post-shallot/beet feeling.

I’ll give beets another chance, but I need a better recipe. And some gloves.

Living with Vegans, Part I

Let’s start subtle, since that’s where I’m at. We’ll assume you got over most of all the other problems, conundrums and what nots and now you’ve arrived at the nuts and bolts of the operation.

For example: margarine (as butter is decidedly an animal product).

Mmmm… Margarine can sure turn a bad meal good. If one of my mom’s hot dishes ever went wrong (which didn’t happen often) she’d always throw in a chunk o’ margarine. The buttery flavor is sure winner.

The sure loser is that most margarines contain whey and mono- and/or di-glycerides, which may or may not contain animal products, depending on the source of their materials. I’m not sure what mono- and di- glycerides are, or what they do (though I’m always only a google away from finding out), but I do know that without the source identified, my lady won’t touch it. So what’s a guy to do? At the Good Food store (our local, very kick ass health food store) they have vegan organic margarine, but the price makes me want to dump a tofu brick right then and there. For a while, margarine was one of our “compromises.”

Even the margarine without animal products were no good. Most of those are chock full of partially hydrogenated soybean oil (PHSO). Now, I could probably go back and forth all day with industry experts about whether or not these things are good or bad for you. I would probably get my rhetorical ass kicked. Doesn’t matter anyway, because I don’t want to eat PHSO unless I can help it. Same goes with high fructose corn syrup. These foods were designed in laboratories in the seventies–about the same time as obesity trends started to rise. Maybe lab food is all the rage on the food network, but not in my kitchen.

Our compromise existed until Smart Balance came out with their organic vegan blend of margarine. The taste is better than some brands, say Gregg’s or I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. It works for cooking. Spreads easily. Has Omega-3s and Omega-6s. Ounce for ounce, this is pretty good stuff! Plus, it doesn’t break the bank.

For some reason, the Good Food Store doesn’t stock this particular brand of margarine, and I don’t know why. But Wal-Mart, of all places, carries it and carries it for cheap. A tub ( I think a pound) cost as of now $2.18. No other stores carry it and too bad for them, eh? Wal-mart wins our $2.18 every two weeks for now.

Vegan Nation

I am not a vegan. However, my wife is a vegan. No, she’s not one of those fly by night vegans, who will snack on Cheetos every third Tuesday or eat Hershey bars every eighth hour but only during the winter solstice. She not only does not knowledgeably consume animal products (you can’t help all those weird ingredients) she does not wear leather, or for the most part wool. It’s still a process for her, but she is not daunted and will continue down this path towards “pure vegan-hood.” (My term, not hers).

I am, at best, a “hedgetarian.” I love them shrubs. But seriously, home-vegetarian. We don’t have meat in the house, but I still have my cheese. Mmmm…cheese. Anyways, the reactions against vegan-ism/vegetarianism (even my own reactions) have always astounded me. Sure, there are those lucky souls who harbor no judgement towards most anything and let lay what may, but the overwhelming majority of people in our snowy state express open contempt when confronted with a vegan. The reasons they give range from gut reaction (“That can’t be healthy” — as if they were nutritional experts) to absurd (“That’s un-American” or better yet “It’s against God!” — sheesh).

I’ll say it again. Sheesh. It makes me wonder if these people (I’ll try not to construct a straw man, but then again I don’t want to name names) really go around and think such horrible thoughts but never give voice to them. I mean, do you berate a Jew or Muslim for not eating pork? How about a Catholic for fasting during lent? As for the health issue, you could probably do the same research I did and come to much the same conclusions, or vastly different ones, depending on which websites you choose to believe. The fact is most vegans become vegans for much the same reason people become whatever: because they ultimately decided that it was the right course for them. Most vegans I have ever met (I could name a few exceptions) are non-violent.

Perhaps most people have a secret revulsion for weakness and they see vegans for the ultimate sissy-pants rabbit foo-foo heads that they are. Does our species really depend on everyone eating the same thing? Yes, I know that at one point our ancestors decided eating meat was really chill and helped out more than hurt, but then didn’t have the privilege of improved agricultural techniques that we have. Plus, they had to hunt or scavenge their own meat and didn’t have such luxuries has chicken deep fried in partially hydrogenated soybean oil. Yum. They also didn’t have Rolaids to spell relief or a meat and dairy industry that maximizes profits while minimizing nutrition.

I noticed these anti-vegans also tend to believe that God mints his own catchphrases on our currency, that Gays are another way to say baby-eater, and Bush has his own secret handshake with God and Jesus. Enough of these straw-men though. I would argue (especially after living with one for a few years) that vegan-ism should constitute its own “religion”. Though loosely defined, it would have enough adherents. It has a hierarchy (have you ever heard a vegan bitch about the veganness of other vegans? Whew!) and also a sort of “Path” or “Code.” The hold day is whatever shopping day they choose, and/or the Mysore practice at their local yoga fitness center. They already have their saints (e.g. Einstein). What they don’t have is tax-exempt status. That’s unfortunate.

My wife agrees that it does constitute more a religion. Maybe it’ll even get those patronizing eh-holes to leave her alone if she asserts that veganism is. That’s why next census she’s going to claim Vegan as her religion. Me? I’ll either claim hedgetarian or at the very least Flying Spaghetti Monsterism.